This is the question no one wants to ask out loud.
The one that keeps you up at night.
The one that makes you feel like you’re failing as a parent—even when you’re doing everything you can.
“I have two children with different needs. One can just about manage school. The other can’t cope at all. And trying to fight for one is slowly breaking the other.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
We’ve heard this story more times than we can count.
One child at home, refusing or unable to attend school.
The other barely holding on—exhausted by the stress, scared of being dragged into it, or even begging not to be linked to their sibling for fear of being bullied or burdened.
And you? You’re stuck in the middle. Torn. Burnt out.
Feeling like there’s no “right” answer.
When the System Makes You Choose
No parent should have to decide which child to put first.
But that’s what a broken system does. It creates impossible choices.
Do you keep one child out of a damaging school, knowing it means your other child might lose their safe space, their focus, or their social group?
Do you push for provision that meets the needs of one, when the other is begging not to be in the same building?
These aren’t just logistical challenges. They’re emotional landmines.
And they shouldn’t be falling on families to fix.
You Are Not Alone in This
What we want you to hear—loud and clear—is this:
You are not a bad parent for struggling to balance this.
You are not wrong for protecting your child who is at home.
And you are not failing the one who’s just barely coping.
You are being placed in an unworkable situation—and still doing your best.
What You Can Do
- Document everything: Including the impact on both children. If one is struggling emotionally, socially, or academically due to the situation—write it down.
- Request a review of provision: If an EHCP exists, ask for a new placement that works for everyone’s safety and stability.
- Ask for separate transitions or support plans: Children should not be expected to manage each other’s needs in school. It’s okay to request that your children not be placed together if it’s not emotionally safe.
And most of all: Get support for yourself. You shouldn’t have to carry this alone.
At AskEllie, we’ve spoken to parents who’ve lost jobs, homes, and relationships trying to hold the pieces together for more than one child. These aren’t isolated stories. This is a pattern.
If you’re in this position—or close to it—come by AskEllie.co.uk. We’ll help you get clear on your rights, what to ask for, and how to move forward without sacrificing one child’s needs for another’s.
Because no family should ever be forced to make this choice.
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