AskEllie.co.uk

Author: Oliver Lee

  • “But They’re Fine at School…” — What Parents Wish Teachers Knew About Masking

    If you’re the parent of a neurodivergent child, you’ve probably heard it more than once:

    “But they’re fine at school.”

    Except they’re not.

    They’re masking—working overtime to fit in, hold it together, avoid getting in trouble, and seem “normal” enough to get through the day.

    And by the time they get home, they explode, collapse, or retreat into themselves. Because the effort of masking all day is exhausting—and home is the only place they feel safe enough to let go.

    What is Masking?

    Masking is when children suppress their natural behaviours, needs, or responses to fit into their environment. For autistic and PDA children, this can mean:

    • Forcing eye contact
    • Sitting still when their body is screaming to move
    • Copying other kids to hide that they don’t understand
    • Nodding along when they’re actually confused or distressed

    They might come across as quiet, compliant, or even high achieving. But it doesn’t mean they’re coping.

    Signs Your Child Might Be Masking at School

    ✅ Explosive meltdowns after school ✅ Shutdowns—refusing to talk, engage, or move ✅ Extreme exhaustion ✅ School refusal or anxiety around returning ✅ Regression in skills or toileting

    If your child seems “fine” in class but falls apart the moment they leave the school gates—you’re not imagining it. And it’s not your parenting. It’s a response to chronic emotional overload.

    What Can Parents Do?

    • Keep a daily diary of behaviours at home to show the full picture
    • Ask for a home-school communication book to share how things really are
    • Push for EHCP needs assessments that reflect both settings, not just school observations
    • Educate schools on masking—it’s not defiance or attention-seeking, it’s survival

    Remember:

    Just because a child isn’t seen to struggle doesn’t mean they aren’t suffering.

    Let’s stop measuring support by what happens in the classroom—and start listening to what happens at home.

    If you’re struggling to be heard or want help making your child’s needs visible, come by AskEllie.co.uk for support, templates, and guidance built by families who’ve been there.

  • The Hidden Cost of Being a SEND Parent: Why It Shouldn’t Break You—Emotionally or Financially

    Every parent of a child with additional needs knows this truth: it’s not just the system that’s broken—it’s what it costs us to survive it.

    While mainstream conversations focus on EHCPs, assessments, and school placements, what rarely gets talked about is what it costs families behind the scenes: the careers we give up, the therapy we pay for out-of-pocket, the lost friendships, the endless admin, and the constant emotional toll.

    The Unspoken Costs:

    • 💸 Private Assessments: Because NHS waiting lists are years long
    • 💔 Relationship Strain: Because exhaustion replaces connection
    • 🧾 Lost Income: Because someone has to stay home, fight the LA, and pick up the pieces
    • 🧠 Mental Health: Because watching your child be failed again and again is soul-destroying

    Many of us never planned for this. We didn’t budget for being full-time caseworkers, therapists, and advocates. We didn’t know we’d become the experts in a system that treats us like we know nothing.

    What Needs to Change

    ✅ Funding must match need – Families shouldn’t have to bankrupt themselves for basics. ✅ Recognition of parent-carers as professionals – Because we’re doing the work of a dozen systems, without pay. ✅ Simplified access to financial support – DLA, Carer’s Allowance, transport grants… the burden shouldn’t be on us to decode it all.

    You’re Not Alone

    If you’ve ever skipped your own dentist appointment to fund an OT session… If you’ve cried in the car park after another school meeting… If you’ve sat up at night writing complaints when you should be sleeping…

    You’re not just “coping.” You’re carrying a broken system on your back.

    And you shouldn’t have to.

    AskEllie exists to take some of that weight off. Free tools. Templates. Step-by-step support. Built by parents, for parents—because you shouldn’t have to do this alone.

    Come see us at AskEllie.co.uk

  • What Happens When We’re Gone?” – Planning for Our SEND Children’s Future

    It’s one of the hardest things to think about as a parent:
    What will happen to my child when I’m no longer here to protect them, fight for them, or support them?

    💔 So many of us are stuck in survival mode—fighting the day-to-day battles with EHCPs, services, and appointments. But for families of autistic or disabled children, planning ahead isn’t just important… it’s essential.

    Here are some things every SEND parent should start thinking about—no matter how young your child is:

    ✅ Make a Will – and make sure it includes instructions for guardianship, financial support, and future care.
    ✅ Consider setting up a Discretionary Trust – this can allow your child to inherit without it affecting their benefits.
    ✅ Talk to a solicitor who understands disability and SEND – they can help protect your child’s long-term rights and support.
    ✅ Write down everything – your routines, your child’s needs, what calms them, what triggers them. It can become a lifeline for future carers.
    ✅ Talk to family members – let them know what support might be needed, and what plans are in place.

    It’s not easy. It’s not nice. But it’s necessary.
    Because the love and protection you give now should still be there—even when you’re not.

    You don’t have to figure it out alone. We’re building tools and resources at AskEllie.co.uk to support families with exactly this kind of planning—so you don’t have to leave it until it’s too late. 💛

  • What Is PDA? Understanding Pathological Demand Avoidance in 2025

    You may have heard the term PDA thrown around in parenting groups, school meetings, or EHCP reports—but what exactly is it?

    And why is it so misunderstood?

    Let’s break it down.

    What Does PDA Stand For?

    PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance—a profile of autism that involves an extreme, anxiety-driven need to resist everyday demands and expectations.

    It’s not about being defiant or oppositional for the sake of it. It’s about a deep, involuntary response to feeling out of control.

    Children and adults with PDA often:

    • Avoid even simple, everyday requests (getting dressed, brushing teeth)
    • Use social strategies to distract or delay (jokes, negotiation, pretending)
    • Experience explosive meltdowns if pushed
    • Struggle with transitions or direct instructions
    • Appear “fine” at school and explode at home (or vice versa)

    Who First Described PDA?

    PDA was first described in the 1980s by Professor Elizabeth Newson, a UK developmental psychologist. She noticed a group of children who met many criteria for autism but responded differently to structure, authority, and routine.

    These children didn’t just dislike demands—they reacted to them with extreme stress and emotional overload. Traditional autism strategies (like clear routines and firm boundaries) often made things worse.

    Newson believed PDA was a distinct profile within the autism spectrum.

    Is PDA Officially Recognised?

    Here’s where it gets tricky.

    In the UK, PDA is not a standalone diagnosis in official manuals like the DSM-5 or ICD-11. Instead, it may appear in EHCPs or reports as:

    • “Autism with a demand avoidant profile”
    • “Extreme demand avoidance traits”
    • Or simply folded under the broader ASC (Autism Spectrum Condition) label

    The National Autistic Society (NAS) and many clinicians in the UK acknowledge PDA, but acceptance is inconsistent—and support can vary wildly depending on your local authority or school.

    Globally, recognition is even more limited. In the US, Canada, and much of Europe, PDA is not formally recognised, though awareness is growing among professionals and advocacy groups.

    What Causes PDA?

    PDA is believed to be rooted in autistic neurology and extreme anxiety. When demands are placed, it can trigger a “fight, flight, or freeze” response—even for things the child may want to do.

    It’s not about being lazy, stubborn, or spoiled. It’s about the brain going into survival mode.

    What Helps Children with PDA?

    Standard parenting strategies often don’t work for PDA—and can even make things worse. What does work is:

    ✅ Low-demand, low-pressure environments
    ✅ Collaborative approaches (working with the child, not doing to the child)
    ✅ Choice, control, and flexibility
    ✅ Using indirect language (e.g., “I wonder if…” instead of “Go and…”)
    ✅ Predictable but not rigid routines
    ✅ Respecting when the child says “no” and building trust over time

    Why It Matters That We Understand PDA

    Children with PDA are often misunderstood—labelled as “naughty,” “manipulative,” or even “abused” when their needs go unrecognised. Families are blamed. Children are punished. Schools fail them.

    But when PDA is understood and supported, these children can thrive—emotionally, socially, and academically.

    Understanding PDA isn’t about giving in. It’s about meeting the child where they are, and building safety from there.

    Final Thought

    PDA is still catching up in terms of recognition—but parents, advocates, and some professionals are leading the way. Awareness is growing, and with that comes better support, better strategies, and better futures for our children.

    If you’re parenting a child with extreme demand avoidance—or struggling to get professionals to understand your child—come by AskEllie.co.uk.
    We’ve got resources, templates, and support that puts your experience first.

    You’re not alone.

  • Beyond the School Fight: Thinking About Our Children’s Futures

    When your child has SEND, it’s easy to get stuck in the day-to-day battle—
    The EHCP.
    The placement.
    The transport.
    The meltdowns before school.
    The exclusions.
    The tribunals.
    The sleepless nights and endless paperwork.

    We become warriors for education, because we have to be.
    But here’s something most of us don’t get the time—or emotional energy—to say out loud:

    What happens after school?
    What does their future look like—with us, or without us?

    We Fight for Support Now—But What About Later?

    Most parents aren’t just thinking about Year 7 or GCSEs.
    We’re quietly asking ourselves things like:

    • Will they be able to live independently?
    • Who will support them if we’re not here?
    • What happens when services fall away at 18 or 25?
    • Will they have friends, relationships, purpose, joy?

    And maybe hardest of all:
    Will they be safe when we’re gone?

    These are not thoughts we get to explore easily.
    Because the system keeps us stuck in short-term fire-fighting mode.

    Thinking Long-Term Doesn’t Mean Giving Up On Now

    It’s not about accepting less for your child today. It’s about preparing for tomorrow.

    💡 It means thinking about skills, not just grades.
    💡 Teaching them how to speak up for themselves—even if that’s through tech, visuals, or a trusted person.
    💡 Building in self-care and coping strategies that will carry them beyond the school system.
    💡 Focusing on relationships and life experience as much as reading levels.
    💡 Thinking about supported living, future carers, or siblings—even if it breaks your heart to plan for it.

    The Future Doesn’t Have to Be Scary—It Just Needs To Be Thought About

    You know your child. You know their strengths, challenges, sensitivities, and spark.
    Nobody is better placed than you to start planting seeds now that will support the person they are becoming.

    Start small. Start honest.

    Talk to professionals about transitions—not just between key stages, but between life stages.
    Ask about life skills pathways, post-18 planning, and supported internships.
    And most importantly—talk to your child. What brings them joy? What feels hard? What do they dream of?

    You’re Not Just Raising a Child—You’re Growing an Adult

    And you’re doing it in a system that makes you fight for every step.
    That’s why the future feels so overwhelming.

    But the fact that you’re even thinking about it—that you’ve asked these questions—means you’re already one step ahead.

    If you need help planning for what comes after school—or just someone who understands why this matters so much—come by AskEllie.co.uk.
    We’re not just here for the battles.
    We’re here for the life you’re building beyond them.

  • Free Autism Courses in the UK: Where to Start When You Want to Learn More

    When your child is diagnosed with autism—or you’re waiting on a diagnosis—it can feel like stepping into a whole new world. Suddenly, there’s a wave of information, advice, acronyms… and overwhelm.

    Many parents ask:
    “Where can I find free, reliable autism training that actually helps me understand and support my child?”

    We hear you. Here are some of the best free autism courses and resources available to UK parents and carers right now.

    1. The Open University – “Understanding Autism”

    📍 OpenLearn: Understanding Autism

    A brilliant 8-week free course written by academics and autistic people. Flexible, evidence-based, and provides a downloadable certificate at the end.

    2. Autism Education Trust (AET)

    📍 www.autismeducationtrust.org.uk

    Offers free downloadable guides and training materials. Some of their courses are delivered locally via schools or councils—so check your local SEND offer.

    3. National Autistic Society (NAS)

    📍 www.autism.org.uk

    The NAS has free webinars, downloadable guides, and advice for every stage of the autism journey. Some in-depth courses may cost a little, but a lot of content is free.

    4. Local NHS and Council-Run Courses

    Look out for:

    • EarlyBird (for parents of under 5s)
    • Cygnet (ages 5–18)
    • Sleep and anxiety workshops
    • Behaviour support and EHCP training

    Check your Local Offer website, SENDIASS, or CAMHS team to access these.

    5. Ambitious About Autism

    📍 www.ambitiousaboutautism.org.uk

    Free resources, webinars, and toolkits for families with autistic children and young people. Topics include navigating education, anxiety, and preparing for adulthood.

    6. Contact Charity – For Families With Disabled Children

    📍 www.contact.org.uk

    Offers free workshops and training on everything from DLA and EHCPs to behaviour and wellbeing. Available online and in-person.

    Why It’s Worth Learning

    Understanding autism helps you support your child—and fight for the help they need. Whether you’re battling for an EHCP, managing meltdowns, or preparing for transition, knowledge gives you confidence and clarity.

    ✨ Bonus Tip: Join SEND Parent Facebook Groups

    Lots of training is shared by word of mouth! Parents are brilliant at flagging upcoming webinars and free sessions. (You’ll also feel less alone.)

    Need More Than Training?

    That’s why we built AskEllie.co.uk.

    Ask Ellie is a free AI-powered assistant trained in UK SEND law. She can help you:

    • Draft emails and complaints
    • Understand EHCP rules
    • Challenge decisions
    • Find answers, fast

    Because learning is just the beginning—sometimes you also need a bit of backup.

    ❤️ You’ve got this.
    📚 You don’t have to pay a fortune to understand autism.
    🤝 And you’re not alone on the journey.

  • Marriage Tips & Working as a Team When Raising a Child with SEN

    When you’re raising a child with Special Educational Needs (SEN), your marriage can either feel like your greatest strength—or something that’s just about surviving.

    The truth is, parenting a neurodivergent child takes more than love—it takes teamwork. And when that team is strong, the whole family feels it. Your child feels it. You feel it. And your relationship doesn’t get lost in the chaos.

    Here are some honest, battle-tested tips for keeping your partnership strong while parenting through the storm.

    1. Your Child Needs You United—Even When You Don’t Agree

    You won’t always be on the same page. One of you might be more emotional, the other more practical. One might want to push the school harder, while the other wants to keep the peace. That’s okay.

    The key is not being perfect—but being united.
    Disagree behind closed doors. Show up for your child as a united front. When children with SEN feel safe, backed up, and emotionally supported by both parents, it does wonders for their regulation and trust in the world.

    2. Divide the Load—and Name It

    SEN parenting is relentless. The emails, the meltdowns, the meetings, the forms, the transitions—it’s easy for one parent to carry the bulk of it while the other feels helpless or disconnected.

    Sit down together. List it all out.
    Ask: What’s burning you out? What can I take off your plate this week?

    It’s not about 50/50—it’s about doing what you can, when you can, for each other. Because when resentment builds, everyone loses.

    3. Protect Time That Isn’t About Parenting

    You need moments where you’re not “Mum” and “Dad” or “SEND advocates.” You’re just you. That might be a 30-minute walk. A takeaway and a film after bedtime. A coffee outside the house. It doesn’t have to be big—but it has to be something.

    Protect your time together like you protect your child’s EHCP.
    Because you matter, too.

    4. Let Each Other Break Down

    There will be days one of you is strong and the other is in pieces. There will be days when both of you feel like you can’t do this anymore. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re human.

    Let each other cry. Rant. Go quiet.
    Then remind each other of what you’ve already come through. You’ve got more fight in you than you think.

    5. You’re Modelling Love, Even Through the Hard Bits

    Your child watches how you speak to each other, how you repair after a disagreement, how you advocate and support each other. You’re showing them what love looks like—not just the soft parts, but the resilient parts too.

    Final Thoughts
    Raising a child with additional needs puts stress on even the strongest relationship. But it can also bring out depths of love, empathy, and teamwork you never knew you had.

    You’re not just surviving—you’re showing your child what safety and partnership look like.

    If you’re ever feeling stuck, burnt out, or alone in the fight, come by and see us at AskEllie.co.uk. We see you. We’re with you.

  • Managing Meltdowns & Holding Your Family Together: A Survival Guide for SEND Parents

    No one really prepares you for the meltdowns.
    The screaming.
    The hitting.
    The shutting down.
    The guilt that follows.
    The shame no one talks about.

    And the truth is—it’s not just your child that’s impacted.
    It’s everyone in the house.

    We hear this every day at AskEllie:

    “I love my child so much, but their meltdowns are tearing our family apart.”
    “My other kids are walking on eggshells.”
    “We’re constantly split between managing explosions and trying to give everyone else attention.”

    If that’s you—you’re not failing. You’re surviving.

    Let’s talk about what helps.

    💥 First: What Is a Meltdown?

    Meltdowns are not tantrums. They’re not “naughty” behaviour.
    They’re nervous system overloads—your child’s way of saying “I’ve hit my limit.”
    Too much noise. Too many demands. Too many transitions. Not enough support.
    The meltdown is the explosion after the warning signs were missed.

    🧩 Managing Meltdowns (Before, During, and After)

    1. Spot the early signs:
    Every child has a “rumble stage.” That might look like pacing, covering ears, silly behaviour, or zoning out. Learn your child’s cues—and intervene early if you can.

    2. Lower the demands:
    When they’re escalating, this is not the time for “one more thing.” Drop your expectations. Strip things back.

    3. Create a safe exit:
    A quiet space, a favourite item, or permission to leave the room can help your child feel some control again.

    4. Stay calm (even if you’re not):
    You don’t have to fix the meltdown. Just be there. Be a calm presence. Your child needs you to be the anchor when they feel lost at sea.

    5. Repair after rupture:
    When it’s over, talk gently. “You were really overwhelmed. That’s okay. I’m here.” Let them know they’re still loved—even when they lose it.

    💔 And What About Everyone Else?

    This is where it gets hard.
    Because while you’re managing meltdowns, your other children are trying to do homework, or eat dinner, or just be heard. And your partner? Probably just as tired as you.

    Things that can help:

    • Divide and conquer: One parent with the child in meltdown, one with siblings.
    • Give siblings a role (when safe): “Can you help me find the calming toy?” Sometimes helping eases their own anxiety.
    • Family resets: After a hard moment, do something simple together—watch a film, have a cuddle, go for a walk. Remind everyone you’re still a team.
    • Get outside help: If it’s affecting everyone, ask for respite, therapy, or support from school. You do not have to carry this alone.

    🧠 You Can’t Fix This by Burning Yourself Out

    You’re allowed to feel angry.
    You’re allowed to cry in the bathroom.
    You’re allowed to say, “This is too much.”

    But please also know: You are doing something incredible.
    You are loving a child through the hardest moments of their life—and trying to hold your family together in the process.

    And that’s nothing short of heroic.

    At AskEllie, we hear the pain behind the meltdowns.
    And we know how isolating it is when no one else sees the chaos at home.

    We see you. We’ve been you.
    And we’re here to help.

    Get guidance, emotional support, and legal help around EHCPs, home education, exclusions and more at AskEllie.co.uk — come by and see us.

    You’re doing better than you think. And you’re not alone.

  • Is It Just Me?” – The Questions Every SEND Parent Is Asking This Week

    Posted by AskEllie.co.uk

    If you’ve ever found yourself scrolling through a Facebook SEND group at 1am, coffee in one hand and your sanity in the other, you’re not alone. In fact, some of the most honest, relatable, and heartbreaking moments in the SEND world are shared in those late-night comments. This week, we’ve pulled together the real questions parents are asking right now – because we believe that even just knowing someone else gets it can make the world feel a little less heavy.

    1. “Does anyone else’s autistic child never want to leave the house… ever?”

    This is such a common post it should probably come with its own auto-reply. Whether it’s the safety of their bedroom, the joy of Roblox, or just avoiding the sensory horror of the outside world, many children with SEND find peace in staying in. But it doesn’t make it easy for parents — especially those with other kids who need to get out and run wild. The juggle is real, and there’s no magic solution. But it’s okay to admit that it’s hard. Because it is.

    2. “What do you do when your kid is perfectly ‘fine’ at school, but completely melts down at home?”

    This one hits deep. The ‘masking’ conversation is gaining ground — but many parents are still gaslit with lines like “They’re doing great in class!” or “We’ve never seen that behaviour here.” Meanwhile, you’re scraping your child off the kitchen floor in pieces. If you’ve felt that disconnect, we see you. And so do thousands of other parents.

    3. “Is it normal to feel like I’m grieving the parent I thought I’d be?”

    Yes. Yes. A thousand times yes. You are not weak. You are not failing. You are human. The truth is, SEND parenting often means throwing the rule book out the window and rewriting life with a pen that keeps running out of ink. Mourning the version of parenting you imagined is part of the process — and it doesn’t mean you love your child any less. It just means the road is different. And sometimes, it’s okay to pull over and cry about it.

    4. “How do I get my child reassessed when I know the last report wasn’t right?”

    Parents are pushing back more and more — and rightly so. Whether it’s being handed an inconclusive ADHD report or watching your child get misjudged because they had a ‘good day’ during assessment, these stories are everywhere. Keep records. Keep pushing. You are the expert in your child. Even when the system tells you otherwise.

    5. “How do you cope with two completely different needs at once?”

    Shoutout to the parents navigating both neurodivergent and neurotypical children. The emotional tightrope walk is exhausting. One child needs calm, the other needs chaos. One wants silence, the other is beatboxing through breakfast. You can’t split yourself in two — so stop expecting yourself to. You’re doing your best, and that’s enough.

    You’re Not Alone – You’re Amongst Legends

    We believe in humour as a pressure valve. That’s why we’ve created our nostalgic Ladybird-style parody books, poking fun at the madness we all know too well. Because sometimes, if you don’t laugh… you cry into the EHCP paperwork.

    👇 Take a look at our latest SEND-inspired Ladybird-style book covers here:
    🔗 Browse our collection – guaranteed to make you smile

    💬 What’s the one question you’ve been too scared to ask out loud?

    Drop it in the comments. Odds are, someone else has asked it too — they just haven’t found the courage (or Wi-Fi) yet.

    We see you. We hear you. And we’re right here beside you.

  • SEND Ladybird Books & Laughing Through the Chaos

    If you grew up in the 80s, there’s a good chance you had a shelf—or a shoebox—filled with Ladybird books. From “The Magic Porridge Pot” to “Tootles the Taxi,” they were colourful little hardbacks packed with adventure, learning, and a certain comforting charm that’s hard to forget. The smell of the pages, the gentle tone of the stories, and the illustrations that stayed with us for decades—these books were a big part of our childhoods.

    Fast-forward a few decades and life looks a little different now. For many of us, we’re not just parents—we’re SEND parents. We’re navigating EHCPs, tribunals, meltdowns in Morrisons, sleepless nights, rejection letters, and school systems that don’t quite know what to do with our kids (unless they’re quiet and compliant, which, let’s be honest, ours often aren’t).

    It’s a lot.

    And in the middle of all that, sometimes the only thing that helps us keep going is… laughter.

    Laughter is the best medicine (after caffeine)

    Here at AskEllie, we believe in empowering parents with knowledge, resources, and practical help—but also in giving them space to smile, even in the madness. Our Ladybird-style parody book covers were created as a little tribute to the chaos, the courage, and the comedy of raising neurodivergent kids.

    Because if we can’t laugh at things like:

    • “My Child is ‘Fine’ at School” – Based on the bestselling series Masking 101
    • “Meltdowns in Morrisons” – A survival guide to the sensory battlefield that is aisle 9
    • “The EHCP and Other Works of Fiction” – A Ladybird book for grown-ups
    • “True: Unfortunately I’m Out of Office for a Very, Very Long Time” – The local authority caseworker saga
    • “We Regret to Inform You: The School Cannot Meet Need” – Your daily dose of disappointment in hardcover

    …then honestly, we’d lose our minds.

    A Little History, Because We’re Sentimental Like That

    The original Ladybird books date back to 1914, but their golden era came in the post-war decades and right through to the 80s. Priced at just 2/6 (that’s two shillings and sixpence), they were designed to be educational, durable, and affordable. They covered everything from reading and counting to nature, history, and even science. They made learning accessible and visually delightful, all in a pocket-sized format.

    Ladybird books weren’t just educational—they were a window into a simpler time. A time when bedtime stories didn’t come with a side of Google Classroom, and you didn’t need a degree in law just to get your child into school.

    So now, as parents who grew up in that world, we take those memories and remix them into something that reflects our real daily lives.

    Because humour is how we survive.
    It’s how we connect.
    And it’s how we say to each other: you’re not alone in this.

    Come and see the full collection of SEND-inspired Ladybird-style book covers at AskEllie.co.uk—made with love, laughter, and a little too much coffee.